Oct 29- Two Days

My Dad died two days ago. At 11 o’clock in the morning, I found out that my Dad had a massive heart attack at home and never had a chance. He was there then he wasn’t. And my heart is broken. I keep thinking about all the things we did together. From singing “She fucking hates me” by Nickleback in the kitchen while making brunch driving my mom crazy to him teaching me to drive and me crashing his beloved jeep. He was the best dad I could have asked for and even more so because he chose to be there for me. He never made me feel like i wasn’t his daughter, like he wasn’t my father, my daddy. I fell in love with him as my daddy. I was his little girl. I remember the first time I met him. He was Tim then. My mother’s husband. My stepfather. He wasn’t the man I expected. Instead of someone like my birthfather, the man I had regarded as my daddy, as I was only six at the time and didn’t understand that his constant absense from my life was his selfishness and not something worthy. This man was soft and gentle and built his trust with me through laughter and gifts and hugs and comfort. Before I knew it he was my daddy. He loved me so much. And I loved him. I still love him. I guess this hurts so much because the thought of him not being there, not being in my life, not being there to comfort me when I need him. If I ever get married who will walk me down the isle? No one, because my daddy died. It breaks my heart. I miss him so much. His funeral is Saturday, and i will be missing it. Not because of choise. Mostly because of timing, my passport expired the day my daddy died. And to be honest, i’m so thoroughly upset, the thought of being surrounded by relatives of my dad’s, his brother and his sister and my mom is just too overwhelming and I’m sure he would have understood. I couldn’t bare to cause them more grief but I would. Staying is both selfish and selfless. I miss my chance to say goodbye but I also miss the chance of fighting with my mother while we are both morning and stressed about this loss. He was the glue of our family, without him I feel devastated. I feel completely lonely and broken and like the lyrics to a seether song “I don’t feel like I’m strong enough” and that breaks me even more, because I have no choice. My life must continue, regardless of how much it breaks my heart that I will never hear his voice of feel his hug or eat one of his amazing meals again. He was too young, only 47. He just had his birthday on October the sixth. It’s October twenty-ninth. My birthday is in four days. I turn twenty-two. I’m not even 22 and I don’t have a daddy anymore. Daddy’s little girl no more. Talk about ripping apart someone’s world. He was the ONLY person who really loved me who really wanted to be in my life who really understood what I needed. He gave me the chance to find myself and although he wasn’t always as strong as I needed him to be, especially when my mom got sick, he loved me and he never let me forget it. I just wish I had more time. More time to know him, to tell him how much he meant to me. God, why didn’t I get to let him meet his grandkids. They NEVER met him. FUCK... I hate this. I hate this so much. Please, please, please give me one more day with my daddy... anyone...

Oct 27 - RIP DADDY

At the moment, I am currently absorbing the worst news I’ve ever recieved from a vast distance. Today, I found out my father died of a massive heart attack. No warning, just gone. I am in a fog at the moment but I can’t shut off. My head is spinning in a million directions and all I can think is how badly I miss my Daddy. He was the best Dad I could have asked for and more so because he wanted to be my Daddy. He loved me and I loved him. I miss him so much. I don’t know how to deal with this. Never hearing his voice again. He’s just gone. No more christmas’s or special birthday dinners. I’m 22 and my dad is dead. Talk about a major blow to my emotional system. I’ve cried so much and fallen completely apart. The boyfriend has been a great support, and luckily, i recieved the news about thirty seconds after he showed up, so I was able to break instantly, which I would have done, but at least my kids weren’t screaming then. Another point of guilt for me is the fact my dad never met my kids. And now he never will. Oh, i am so crushed. I wish things had been different but there’s no time to change it. What’s done is done is done is done. And he’s gone and i can’t fix what was wrong. Daddy, Daddy Daddy, why did you have to die??????? I MISS YOU!!!!!