new blog

hooahformycaptain.blogspot.com

<3

Good-bye

Wrap me in a bolt of lightning
Send me on my way still smiling
Maybe that's the way I should go,
Straight into the mouth of the unknown
I left the spare key on the table
Never really thought I'd be able to say
I merely visit on the weekends
I lost my whole life and a dear friend

I've said it so many times
I would change my ways
No, nevermind
God knows I've tried

Call me a sinner, call me a saint
Tell me it's over I'll still love you the same
Call me your favorite, call me the worst
Tell me it's over I don't want you to hurt
It's all that I can say. So, I'll be on my way

I finally put it all together,
But nothing really lasts forever
I had to make a choice that was not mine,
I had to say goodbye for the last time
I kept my whole life in suitcase,
Never really stayed in one place
Maybe that's the way it should be,
You know I live my life like a gypsy

I've said it so many times
I would change my ways
No, nevermind
God knows I've tried

Call me a sinner, call me a saint
Tell me it's over I'll still love you the same
Call me your favorite, call me the worst
Tell me it's over I don't want you to hurt
It's all that I can say. So, I'll be on my way

I'll always keep you inside, you healed my
Heart and my life... And you know I try.

Call me a sinner, call me a saint
Tell me it's over I'll still love you the same
Call me your favorite, call me the worst
Tell me it's over I don't want you to hurt
It's all that I can say. So, I'll be on my way
So, I'll be on my way
So, I'll be on my way

Well, you know who this is for.

Clearly, I have a stalker. It is amusing to see how much my actions seem to attract such interest.

But if we want to talk about parenting skills, would fear ever ever keep me away from being with my kids? no. In fact, I'm facing fears and growing more and more each day for them. I would never leave them where I'm "too scared to go back" because that's pathetic. I could never imagine doing that

And you have a journal, I have kept a journal, pen to paper since I was 8. So who is copying whom now? I am amused greatly.

Oh, and fyi: Chias took off on who? Not me, no, he never took off on me, not once. Who did he take off on? That's right, your winner of a man, if that's even true. I call BS.

Alrighty. Because I know you will read this and respond, know that I am truly not interested in you. Ask your boyfriend how often I'd talked about getting colored contacts. I had no idea your eyes were green. I have always wanted blue eyes like my brother has, so I got blue contacts. When I wear them, my brother and I look undeniably like siblings.

Oh and the guy I like, he likes me the way I am. He likes my wild streak, he likes my style, loves that it changes from day to day to fit my mood. And just because we share similar interests, chicka, does not mean I'm out to be you. You are definately not who I ever want to be. EVER.

Oh and FYI: How do you explain your insider information? Considering, after all that you are not my friend on facebook, and I didn't put some information on here. Are you stalking me all out, or just when you can?

oh and fyi

Started a new blog because I do not want that ignorant bitch to know it. If you have my email and/or facebook, feel free to get the details from me :)

wow, you are pathetic

bitch, get over yourself. considering the fact that I haven't updated this since July 9th and had the design since June. You are lame. I have rotated between dark and red hair every single year since I was 16, every six months. Ask your boyfriend what color my hair was over christmas. Ask him what color it is now. I don't give a shit about you except the fact you stole Michias, you and him. PATHETIC

I forgot to mention earlier that I also have 3 other tattoos, working on my 6th and 7th designs. Am I really trying to emulate you? no.

Also, get this: Little Mermaid was my favorite movie when I was a kid, also: I should be afraid that you are stalking me, someone you claim has little influence on your life. How would you know that I referred to my hair as little mermaid red (which it was due to the strength and vibrancey of it) if you weren't stalking me?

The big difference between you and me? I am awesome and you are older and more pathetic. :) Cheers.

I'm in love with this band

stars

So I finally heard back from the soldier I was worried about earlier. Thank Gosh.

Now I'm laying outside under the stars, listening to the Goo-Goo Dolls, a very mellow playlist for such a mellow evening with a glass of wine to relax and unwind. It's been a pretty decent day. I dyed my hair bright red just for the last summer of my civilian life until I get out of the Military, then I will probably do something like it again. But that's four years or so. A long time to go.

I was thinking about this city, I do like Vancouver, but I'm homesick. I really find this place epicly beautiful and am grateful for the memories I have. I don't want to lose those and I won't. Plenty of pictures, tons of evidence of how beautiful. I had fun here, for a while. Then it got to be depressing. I mean, where is summer this year? It seems to have missed the memo that it started already. Not that I mind so much, when I consider what I'm doing right now. Enjoying the crisp night air, laying on a blanket, writing this blog while staring up at the sky. The stars are breathtaking tonight. I wish I didn't have so many reasons to leave, but there aren't enough reasons to stay to even balance the equation. It's time for me to go home.

As I mentioned I dyed my hair "Little Mermaid" red, which I think looks awesome. I have felt like I needed something totally different than how I was before. And now I have it.

Anyways, I want to listen to these tunes and stare at the sky...

Love, Leah

Red

Now this is Little Mermaid Red :)

I love it.

And so do my friends <3

Hope and Fear

So I'm waiting for a call from Iraq to send out a carepackage. It's been about 4 hours since I heard from him when he said he'd call in 20 minutes. He's a cav scout and I'm nervous. I am hopeful of course, because it is midnight over there and maybe he had to go on guard or something happened that's explainable, like a powerfailure or a briefing or something that doesn't mean danger. I am hopeful. Of course, on the flipside, in order to have hope you have to have a fear. In omnia paratus: In all things prepare. So I'm sit, pacing, everytime my phone goes off, I check. No, just a text, No, just a call I won't answer. No just something that isn't nearly as important as this. I worry, I hope, I pray to God to watch over him and send him strength and to offer him compassion and kindness. I hold strength and I hold my knowledge of the War, all the fears and the results of it I have seen, I try to find humor in everything. I sit and I pray and I wait. Nothing besides that I can do from where I am other than hope, with all my heart, I hear from him soon.

I have alot of confusion going on inside my head. It's hard to say that anything truly makes sense when the only thing I know for certain is that I am leaving Canada. I have to, otherwise I fear I will be condemned to the gates of Hell for the rest of my life if I stay. I need a better life, one that isn't offered to me here. I need freedom from this hypocritical place that boasts of it's freedom and informed people, when really, the freedoms are just a different sort and the "informed" are just ignorant in their own way, clinging to their beliefs like an extreme christian or muslim or whatever extremes there are. They try to brainwash you into thinking that America is the home of the wrong and the real act of terror is the way America is. In reality, the world pushed and continues to push America into being who we have been. They say that the real way to find out how great a country is: watch how many people are trying to get in as compared to how many are trying to escape. Guarenteed America is among the greatest when that estimation is made.

Anyways, that was merely something to distract myself from my real worries. July 4th is always the day of more violence, mortars, bombings, combat in Iraq and Afghanistan. Any American Holiday is. Our enemies like to use our days of peace or celebration against us. They want to punish us for what we are doing, but what they don't see is how foolish it all is. If there could be a compromise, if the west would admit it's been imposing on the east and the east would admit that their ways are just a little screwed up, then maybe we could find peace. But that will not happen. Not any time soon, because people are stubborn in their convictions and compromising means being wrong.

Admit it, in a personal arguement, you'd rather fight til the last stand than ever admit you might be wrong, even a little. I am a natural peacemaker, I strive for compromise, and when that fails, well, I fight with all I have to get my way because if my enemy won't bend a little, I'll make him/her break. The same goes for war. The cost of arrogance is blood, the price is a cost that we all pay at one point or another. The question to ask yourself is: do you believe that your convictions are worth your blood? In my mind, mine absolutely are. I would lay down my life for what I believe and a coward, though may fight and stand up for a while, will back down and run. I will only run if my convictions begin to change, but they have remained strong through it all. And so, they shall.

Somethings can never be broken from a man or woman who was raised with military values. The love of her Country and her Soldiers, is just a mere example of that strength of spirit. I will not back down, but most importantly, because I have certain people on my side, I know that when my strength begins to weaken, I have others to turn to, I have my brothers and sisters. Including the one I am worried for now. I hope for him, I send prayers to him. God, grant me the courage to not fear.

Love Leah

Sweet Poetic Justice.

Don't fuck with the Military, our government will make sure your government comes down on you. :)

It's called a NATO treaty, bitch. Look up the laws, putting information about a Specops person on your blog is AGAINST the law.

The RCMP now have your name, know what you did to him, know what you both have done to me and based on that, all I will ever have to do is drop two names, a unit and the RCMP have to do what they have agreed to do.

I've got my friends....

"I've got my friends, Sir, I'm perfectly content to have you as my enemy" ~ The Unit

I woke up on this 4th of July pretty late, but luckily the kids were playing quietly and laughing together. I love how they are best friends, they will always have each other, just as I will always have my big brother, no matter the distance between us.

I got a call from Iraq last night, something I always value, from one of my Soldiers, a Cav Scout. We talked about almost everything, including our mutual displeasure for idiots and people that screw us over. He is a good guy, a true soldier, and one that I am extremely proud to call my friend. I am always grateful when I get a call, no matter what time, no matter if I am woken by the call or not. It makes me feel sort of special that they would think to call me, of all people. Friends mean more to me than any of my exes ever did. Especially when they serve so proudly and wear that uniform, not just out of duty, but because they appreicate it.

Only 2 defining forces have ever agreed to die for you. 1 is Jesus Christ the second is the American Soldier.... one died for your soul, the others will die for your freedom...

It is Independence Day, another one far from home, no fireworks, no red-white-and-blue flying high in the sky. I am grateful that it is my last one in this country, not that I am ashamed of Canada, simply that I am tired of being here. There's a whole cultural difference between American Military and Canadian Civilian. I am exhausted with attempting to be someone I am not. It's time to make my way back home, into the world I knew. I am anxious to get everything completed. I am anxious to be back around my own kind.

I keep hoping the sun will shine today, so the kids and I can go for a picnic but it seems that may be something that I'll have to miss. It's a shame but not something I can control. Oh well, we have already had a bunch of fun this morning and in a bit, we will be painting. :) Fun!

Anyways, I have to go, I'm busy and just wanted to gush about my call... and about my last Independence Day in Canada for a long, long, long time, if not ever. (I'm hopin ever)

Thank a soldier/marine/airman/sailor for all they do for you.

Love, Leah...

Independence Day

I'm in love with the show The Unit. It's a show specifically based on the special-forces in the Army. I watch it and feel that it is one of the best Military shows on Television. It has alot of realism to it as well as a few characters that I personally relate to and well, one that I can't help but drool after.

Mac Gerhardt MSGT

"The effective range of an excuse is zero meters, do it again"

Mac is droolworthy. Played by Max Martini, a tri-citizen of Italy-Canada-USA, he is among the best actors of this lifetime. Mac is an amazing soldier and a trained sniper. I watch all the shows and have even started having dreams where he is there. It's pretty strange, considering I recognize he is fictional, but I don't care. If I have that man protecting me in my dreams, I'll take it.

Other things are more than confusing and slightly overwhelming and too much time in my head makes me want to scream, however, I'm just focusing on the Unit right now.

It's Independence Day, the 4th of July, the day the declaration was signed, declaring our independence from the Tyrany of the British Crown. Thomas Jefferson wrote it 234 years ago, it was signed by over 60 other men who believed in the same universal goal of freedom.


Today, we are fighting two wars, my friends and family have served in damn near every single one... I'm proud of my men and women fighting and will always be proud.

Thank a soldier, airman, marine or sailor for all they do for you.

Love, Leah

HAHAHA

Haha, I love to read my ex's bitch's blog and laugh. She is under the mistaken impression that all my brother has is public school education. Umm, sorry bitch, he was raised Military, just like me. And that means our education is outstanding by comparison. Not only that but he is specially trained in special ops tactics. Silly girl. haha...

Anyways, so everything is taken care of. There is no way, short of my ex paying me back... oh roughly the total is about 750 and increasing, Michias is mine to keep. I have been training him with his kennel so the trip doesn't scare him too much. He's getting used to it and everytime he gets out, he gets a bunch of treats and tons of love. We play outside with the kids and he runs back and forth between me and them, giving me kisses and the kids laugh in their high pitched squeals.

I'm excited about everything. I have my Captain coming to visit me soon. No matter what two people and their enlistment of a 17 year old girl try to do, no one can make me scared in the slightest. I am happy with things. Chias will be safe and so will my kids. I'm not afraid. And I don't consider the enlistment of a 17 year old to be in good taste. Very low and very pathetic. At least the people on my side are grown men and capable of making their own decisions. Not a child who is known for her bad choices and her messed up family life. Shit, that irritates me, not only because she is a child, but because a grown ass man and woman need to recruit her for their cause. Pathetic.

Anyways, life is calling, plenty to do.

Love, Leah

stress relief

After a scare, I feel relaxed. Thank God Almighty. I prayed and He came through for me. Strange how so often before I blamed Him for my problems and now He is watching out for me and answering my prayers. I was relieved when I realized that my fears were solved and everything is coming together, despite last night's drama. HOOAH!

I had the immense happiness to hear that I will definately get my MOS and my duty station and have every chance of getting the exact job I want in the military thanks to my connections to certain servicemen. I really am relieved by everything that has come together. I will NOT stand alone from now on. I have my brothers (and sisters) that will always look out for me. I am not afraid of anything. I have the best big brothers that have given me alot more courage. I can't say much about what they do or anything else, due to OPSEC reasons, but I know I would NEVER want to be against these men, especially a great brother that I have been honored with.

I am looking forward to getting my life back, the family support that the Military offers. Ignoramuses say that it is a mistake, that the people I love are fools and "brainwashed." But we are by no means any of that, we realize the politics can be fucked up, that isn't why they and why I will, do what we do. We do it because it is our duty, most of us are military children, who realize the honor and integrity of our Fathers (and some mothers) teachings are the most valuable of all. If you don't grow up with that, maybe you'll never understand.

Anyways, relief floods my body, my brother has given my mind ease, my guy has given my heart peace in the knowledge that I won't have to supress myself any further for him, in fact, he encourages my freedom to be this tough and "badass" army chick. My mother has offered her full support and will not turn her back on me, she has been incredible during all of this, something I did not expect but I am highly grateful for.

Dear God,
Thank you for your kindness. I am grateful for your guidance and answered prayers. Grant me the courage to face any fears I must. You are all loving and all forgiving. I am grateful to be your child again.
Amen

Love, Leah

Canada Day

It's canada day. As a dualee, I've been watching the Toronto G-20...

I'm not impressed, I'm not happy.

Blame Canada

With all their beady little eyes

And flapping heads so full of lies

Blame Canada

Blame Canada

We need to form a full assault

It's Canada's fault!

Blame Canada

Shame on Canada

For...

The smut we must stop

The trash we must bash

Happy (Or Maybe not considering Toronto's current debacle) Canada Day

United under a common bond

I love my family, who are really amazing people. My mother for stepping up and realizing she needed to change, my brothers, most specifically, my brothers in uniform, are willing to stand not only next to me, but in front of me to try to take the fire from me. I love my sister, for showing me absolute support. I love that these people know me best and look at the comments from an ex and his ............ as crude ignorant and arrogant responses from bitter people who wish to inflict grief. What makes me happiest is the knowledge that they have no power over me to make me feel insulted in the least. Neither of them really know me at all. My ex may think he does but I swallowed so much of myself in a screwed up effort to please him which caused nothing but grief. The moment I allowed myself to be me again, I became the girl that I used to be. Strong, smart, proud.

I recently realized that I made the biggest mistake in the world by coming to Canada and while I leave this country with three amazing lives with me, my beautiful son and daughter and my gorgeous and loving dog, I feel that I could not have been a bigger fool than the day I chose to move here. I am just grateful that I have woken up from the ignorance and I'll be damned if I ever let another man make me feel the way the Canadian Men in my life have. As far as I can tell, we do not share much in common, there is no unity, there is no common bond. My life and my values are those of the Military. I don't care how "foolish" or "stupid" someone may think I am, there is no greater bond than that of the Military community. We are there for eachother, through thick and thin, through the bad times and good. Breaking your word could kill your battle-buddy and we are taught never to do so.

I have the lovely honor of knowing so many brave and REAL men, men that would give their all for my wellbeing and my children's without expecting anything in return. I know that the uniform binds us all together in one common goal. There is nothing that I should fear when I have them beside me. I will never stand alone.

Then there's Captain, a man who wants to prove himself to me by his actions, his words and his values. He and I both share the same common goals and values and morals. He has proven himself time and time again to me as I have to him. There's nothing anyone else could say that would ever make him nor I doubt each other. Good luck trying, is all I have to say to those that would. It looks worse on you.

Now I live lean and I mean to inflict the grief and the least of me is still out of your reach.

Now, I may be foolish, I am not any of the things my ex has claimed me to be. It amuses me to think he feels he can hurt me with words at this point. He ruined that when he chose to break my children's hearts because there is no worse pain for me than knowing my children suffered because of him. I am a good mother, I don't do drugs, I spend all of my time with them knowing that we are all we have and that they deserve to be loved. I was miserable with my ex and sadly that was shown in my own behaviors, something I do regret. Now, however, I am stronger, braver and more secure about who I am, something I was never with him. He had me convinced he was a real man, which he was not. A big dick and mouth doesn't make you a man, it makes you a grown-up child. Any guy can fuck and talk, it takes a real man to do what my brothers do, to do what I'm going to do. I have bigger cajones than he ever will. And thank GOD for that. God showed me alot over the past five months or so... Most importantly the lies I told myself about my ex were revealed as was the truth I was meant to rediscover.

Feel no fear, know my pride: For GOD and COUNTRY, I'll end your life! HOOAH!

Now I avoided saying anything truly mean or hurtful, not because I don't have plenty to say, simply because I know that my words mean more than theirs do. I will not lower myself to their levels. I don't care what they want to say about me, it holds no ground. As my friends were willing to do before, as my Brother did last night, all of these people who love me so much, know me from the pit of my despair to the top of my game. There is nothing in the world that could ever change how they feel. "Blind" love is not their call sign.

It's mind over matter. I don't mind and you don't matter.

Threaten me again, BITCH

And when did I lie? I did not ask him to send any message, I said Lars threatened me and my children, which he did you worthless cunt. You don't fuck with momma or her babies or she will let her boys in uniform know. And guess what honey, those aren't worthless threats, whatever he sent, something I'm not informed about. I just found out he sent anything. YOU ARE THE SLUT, just because I have a killer body that I am proud of. It's not a shameful thing to have a good body, but you wouldn't know that since you are so fat and cheesebagged. I am proud of my body, I work hard at maintaining it and you have no idea what that would be like do you?

Now I don't care if Lars had done "favors" as you call them, he gave his word, something you caused him to break, you whore. I am not ashamed of myself in any way for turning to my friend when I was upset by his threats. If he chose to defend me, if he chose to threaten him that was my buddy's business and I'm not taking credit for that. But you should know this. I would love to have a face-to-face talk, just you and me. Maybe I could teach you that the other day when Lars made you feel like shit is just the start. Ha! I got out. And fuck you, online cum-dumpster??? Too bad that's only your words and have no basis. I have good friends that would do anything for me. You are a piece of shit and will not be taking my dog. If you even show up here with that intent, I will make sure that the police report is filed, and don't even worry about coming. Rent will be paid in full. I don't need you or Lars so blow me, fat whore.


in responce to:

Better? ...or in this particular case: sluttier, trashier, dirtier, soiled and classless, filthy little whores that need to talk army boys into sending big, scary, high school-like (worthless) threats based on lies to other people?




Get over it bitch. And if you care so much about your children, stop slutting yourself all over the net - being an online cum-dumpster does your children less favors than your ex has done (and will now stop doing because you're a thankless cunt who likes to cause shit let alone tell lies about him). Perhaps your friend with the big scary mouth will to pay your bills now. You should be ashamed of yourself.

P.S. I hope the reality of this makes you laugh as much as it (and you in general actually) do me. Foolish, foolish little girl

NEVER ACCEPT DEFEAT

I am an American Soldier.

I am a Warrior and a member of a team.
I serve the people of the United States, and live the Army Values.
I will always place the mission first.
I will Never ACCEPT DEFEAT
I will never quit.
I will never leave a fallen comrade.
I am disciplined, physically and mentally tough, trained and proficient in my warrior tasks and drills.
I always maintain my arms, my equipment and myself.
I am an expert and I am a professional.
I stand ready to deploy, engage, and destroy, the enemies of the United States of America in close combat.
I am a guardian of freedom and the American way of life.
I am an American Soldier.

Insomniac Nights

I couldn't sleep, so I put together this collage. My kids, my dog, me. my favorite pictures throught the years.

something for me to look at when I'm away at basic. Their beautiful faces... I love them so much.

This insomnia is getting to me, some nights I just sit awake for hours, thinking to myself. Sleep passes me over and I just sit pondering to myself about this life. The past and the present and the future.

The past was definately not something that I want to repeat. Especially not the last five years, since meeting the two Canadian guys I've been with... The father of my kids isn't a bad guy, he's just virtually useless to me and to my kids. He's only kind to me when it comes to proving that he's a better ex than my current ex, who has proven time and time again, his word means nothing.

The present isn't half bad. It's pretty good sometimes. Yes, sure, I want to go insane because I'm alone with no help at all and have all these worries and fears. But in reality, my life is better than it used to be. I finally have confidence again, the confidence that was stolen away from me. I finally have hope and purpose and a plan. MY own plan. I'm not being forced to follow along with someone else's plan. It feels so damn wonderful to know that it's MY life. I love that not only do I have all that, but I also have this really amazing guy who WANTS to be with me so much that he's willing to visit me during his pre-deployment leave to spend the last week he has off with me before he goes to Afghanistan. Not only that but he is everything I have ever wanted. He's smart, funny, kind, compassionate, caring, real, wears a uniform, is one of the best officers I've ever known, if not the best, and to top it all off, he wants me. What could be any better than that? I'm trying to guard my heart a little bit better but realistically speaking, he's all I want. 21 days left.

The future is pretty intimidating. Here's this life that I am leaving behind, this one where I am completely alone and miserable sometimes, but soon enough, I won't be. Soon enough this girl is going home. Soon enough I'm enlisting in the Army, where I will get my own uniform (yay), where I will gain all the necessary skills that I want to have, where I will have a better future and a better life, without any man to rely on. Plus I can't wait to be a medic. I can't wait to go home, to see my friends, to go to the Jersey Shore and see the Atlantic Ocean, something I have missed for six long, long, long years. It's time. And I'm slowly but surely making my way. I can't wait to go home.

The best part of all of this is that I now KNOW for absolute fact that it was never me at all. That I wanted to be happy but I had someone that made me feel like shit, and before that, another someone that made me feel like shit. The last decent boyfriend I had wore a uniform too. Seems like it's no surprise that I would find what I've been searching for all along, back where I come from. Back in the world I knew.

Well anyways, I'm going to attempt for at least a couple hours. Good Night...

Love, Leah

Awesome

Boondock Saints <3 That's just about all I have to say... I'm in love with the Saints <3

**********

Talked to my Captain tonight and we had a great conversation, we were laughing at everything under the sun. When I got off the phone with him, I felt genuinely happy. We are going to have such an amazing time together <3 I'm absolutely crazy about this man, my very own, one-of-a-kind, Soldier. I could careless about anyone else in the entire world when I think about his visit, my heart beats faster and excitement floods my body and mind. <3

***********

Anyways, off to watch my other loves: Connor and Murphy... xox


Love, Leah


PS. What an amazing feeling thinking that my life is just so much better now than it was six months ago. God is shining down on me and my Daddy is watching out for me <3

PPS... I am crazy about my Captain... 22 days <3 xox

Happy

Listening to tons of music today, thinking about the future and what everything I am doing is going to mean. I can't wait to leave here... so much has begun to occur to me about how full of crap my life used to be and how it's starting to mean something real, be better and make me happier, how it's finally becoming something real. I'm happy for the first time in a long time all on my own. I don't need a man around to tell me I'm good enough, I have that covered. I don't need someone to make me feel like shit about myself when I'm just not feeling up to par. It's great to have the freedom to know that all my emotions are just that MINE and not influenced by someone else. I love that I can still have that and have a man "in" my life without having to have his influence over everything. I'm still my own person, I'm happy that way.

I talk to Captain so much that he always makes me feel better but NEVER makes me feel sad about anything, not once. It's a good feeling knowing that even when I'm kind of crazy and a little reckless, he can crack a joke and put a spin on it that makes it better. How did I waste so much time with someone who made me feel like absolute shit? What was wrong with me to put myself through that? Oh well, it's over now and I don't regret that he's gone. Not for a single moment these days, if anything, I just am more grateful for dating someone so completely wrong and waking up to realize that. I was an idiot and a fool for thinking his selfishness was something I could fill.

Captain made me laugh because they had Chaplain sessions for a pre-deployment thing, where he had a lesson in "why women put so much more into a relationship than men." I asked him if he learned anything and he said "no, I drew pictures of war on my pad of paper." I laughed and he thought he was very amusing. I don't think he needs lessons in love, not when this is the man that showed me the most epic and real love story I've ever known. Only 22 days until he's here I am so excited.

I've been writing in my journal alot more, releasing whatever thoughts and worries I have there, thinking about my future, both solitarily and with Captain's deployment and all the other details in the world. Sometimes I get scared but as I have been worse off than I am now, I'm grateful for the strength I carry within my heart. I don't need to quiet the fear, just face it. That's what real courage is: facing a fear and overcoming it. But only if it's worth it. If your fear is logical and realistic, accept it, but if you know that if you will be happier after you conqueor it, go with it. Take that strength you've been building up your entire life and put it all into overcoming the biggest obstacle, which is usually your greatest fear.

Anyways, today was a day full of laundry and cleaning of the kids room. And let me tell you, cleaning their room consists of picking up so many toys, vaccumming, just to have all the toys back all over the floor ten minutes later. It's insanity. Complete and total insanity. But alas, that's what kids do. While I cleaned their room, the kids made a mess of the bathroom. Lucky, lucky me. haha.

As for my Farty, he and I played outside for a while today. It was awesome because yet again someone was shocked at him jumping at me, full on growl and me dodging his open mouth. When I laid down on the wet grass, he came over and licked me half to death. I just love him so much. Nothing can change that.

Anyways, I'm out. I'm hungry (again) and should probably eat because this whole trying to gain five pounds thing is driving me nuts. I'm not gaining anything!!!!

Love Leah

I miss you... still.

It's funny, or perhaps not, how thoughts can fly around my head and how easily it is to feel the darkness inside. I never even thought about suicide before ten years ago. Then the summer came and with it, the loss of my best friend in the entire world. I miss him to this day, looking back I can't help but wonder why it is he left us, and yet I understand better than anyone else why he had no other choice in his mind. Marcus was this brown, curly haired boy with a huge smile, out going personality... I remember the first time I met him, almost eleven years ago. He came up to me on the first day of school, his black skater shorts, vans and metallica t-shirt, a huge smile on his face. He thrust his hand out to me and said: "I'm Marucs, I want to be your friend." I remember thinking so this is middle school. But we became friends. We laughed, we got high, we hung out on base, off base, alone and with other people. I had such a crush on him but even more than that, he was my first real friend in my entire life. He made me feel like someone out there cared about me.

A year of laughing and being young and wild and free came to an end. On the last day of school, his arm over my shoulders, he whispered to me that he'd see me again soon. That he would miss me. You see I was going on vacation, no choice, my annual summer trip to my grandmother's and as much as I didn't want to go, I had to. Nearly two months of hell and torment to me but nothing compared to whatever he went through, what I'll never know for sure. I got home to find out that the day before, my best friend had hung himself. I remember thinking that it couldn't be true... I mean, how does someone kill themselves.

For the entire next year of school, I barely spoke, I barely did anything besides homework, cut myself off from the friends, started writing poetry, all because of him. I was so angry and so sad and sometimes I am still angry and sad. If he had lived, maybe my whole life would have been different. I mean that moment, it shaped me. I lost whatever happiness I had and lost my heart for the first time because the boy I liked killed himself, he took himself away from me. That was a key moment in my life. It changed me. It made me different. It made me sad.

And now it's been ten years. Ten long, long years. So much has happened. 9-11, 2 wars have started, my grandfather died, my... Corey died, I moved to three countries in that time, went to 132 cities, was raped and beaten, tried to kill myself and my Daddy died. Marcus started it all. His death, it started everything. It was that key pivotal moment that changed my whole life.

Anyways, I'm going to go. this is just painful to remember.

In the memory of Marcus Shawn Ledford, my best friend, the first boy who ever broke my heart in a completely irrepairable way.

Marcus... 10 years gone

If you were to find a shattered mirror, find all the pieces, all the shards and all the tiny chips and have whatever skill and patience it took to put all the broken glass back together so it was complete again, the restored mirror would still be spiderwebbed with cracks, it would still be a useless version of its formerself which could only show fragmented reflections of anyone looking into it. Somethings are beyond repair.

~*~

Clean the slate then let it get sullied once more. Wipe it down and wait for more filth. This inevitable pattern of progress and regress, which is all life is really about, is too absurd for me. The big girl is so very small and fragile after all.

~*~

The mirror has always spoken true, my reflection has never lied,

what could create such a state, a fragile smile with broken eyes?

Tear drops dripping down my face, in the quiet restful sleep,

a simple dream about a boy that died and broke my heart plays within my mind.

He stole my smile for quite a while, I'm older now than he was then.

I've had a long, long time to think, he was always so much surer.

Then forever was that much weaker.

I close my eyes to recall-illusions from my psyche.

It thrilled my heart to embrace his smile, made my soul fly to hear his laugh,

which rang out strong and true.

It's been too long, a while, an unfair reality.

My skin is set ablaze by his hand on my cheek.

My face feels like a fire when he gave me one last kiss,

a sad look within his eye and a vague knowing nod, he turns from me.

Heartache painfully renewed, my eyes find my own and I stare into myself.

My heart and mind are racing, why now echoes within and out.

Close my eyes and fight him away.

A wasted life, lost youth and a never-was memory.

Once a year I dream about him.

It's good to hear his laugh, nice to see his smile,

but in the morning, I'll push him back, inside that dark and hidden tomb.

Rest in peace for another year, we'll meet again soon, my dearly departed friend.

Rest in Peace, Marcus... It's been 10 years, I still miss you.

Captain calling!

Captain called me!!! :) He fell asleep and woke up and sent me a text telling me he fell asleep. I sent him one back telling him I was still awake, so after talking for 45 minutes about his trip and our days we both happily said good night and sweet dreams. God, I can't wait for him to be here...

xox
Leah

Haiji DVDs and happy thoughts.

Well, beyond hating my ex for a good portion of last night, I have had a pretty good past few days. I am not really in the mood to go into details on the bad, but the good is great. :)

Today, for instance, I recieved my carepackage from Iraq... It was filled with so many Haiji dvds (bootlegged from Iraq) that I was thrilled, obviously. It had the first season of Vampire Diares, the seventh season of NCIS, a few movies and a magazine as well as a wonderfully welcome gift. I also went to Walmart today to get diapers and pain pills (I have been having my annual spring/summer pollen  headaches that nearly kill me due to the extreme pain that radiates from my sinuses through my neck to my shoulder [thanks alot for the continual pain, Lars]), a cd/dvd book, which is completely full, and gummy bears. :) I love gummy bears. I also had time to stop at the bank and cash my checks for rent as well as pull out enough money to cover Michias's vet bills. Because no matter what anyone else says, legally, he is registered to me and I will fight fire with fire if someone ... eh hem... even tries.

Cap't and I chatted for a bit today, but we weren't able to talk on the phone because he was busy preparing his house for sale (he goes TDY on Sunday to Wednesday then has one day of work before his pre-deployment leave, two weeks in Minnesota then a week back there and then a week here, yay)... I hope I get to talk to him tomorrow... It's so hard waiting for him to be here and wanting him to be here and knowing I just have to be patient because soon enough he will be. :)

I also have the best girlfriend now. She is exactly like me, but for a few years older. She's a mom, she's married to a vet and she's awesome. :) She's also extremely talented. She's an international feature artist and has an amazing voice. <3 She's pretty amazing... :)

I am watching vampire diaries right now.  So I'm going to go because I'm really distracted.

<3 Leah

Keep the General, Lose Obama

let me just say this General McChrystal is a far better General than Obama is a president. And with that said, I agree with everything that the General said and hope that the Administration does not accept his resignation.

Little known facts about General McChrystal: He has a HIGHER approval rating than Obama does with NATO and is considered (by the Afghan president) to be the best General the US has ever had in Afghanistan. On top of that, he is one of the most qualified to do his job...

Moving on...

Today I went to Costco... I picked up plenty of food :) And got everything else I needed. As well as happily found a present for Cap't's birthday. It's an awesome book that I know he will just love. I have never been happier to spoil someone. Especially since, as a Soldier, he deserves it much more than any previous boyfriend (except my other soldier) ever has. :)

I can't wait to see him but i have 28 days til he's here...

He called me not too long ago to tell me a few funny stories and I laughed my ass off. He's probably the funniest Officer I've ever known. :)

Anyways, time for dinner :) Chicken ceasar salad... and hopefully another talk with my guy... <3

Love Leah

Crap

Ugh. I hate when mornings like this happen.

My kids decided it would be fun to wake me up at 0330 instead of sleeping through the night. They then proceeded to keep me up until 0500, which I guess made me miss my alarm, but I have no memory of this. I must have woken up, cancelled it and then fell back asleep for another hour and a half. Crap!

I however did find out that Cap't passed his PT test :) That's my guy <3 or at least I hope so!!!

Love Leah

I'm not afraid to take a stand, Everybody, come take my hand.

So I feel really good about myself lately. I have been working out way more than I ever have before, which consists of 50 situps, 20 pushups (trying to increase to 25 but it's hard work), 40 squats, Jump rope (50 times) and stretching. I do this twise a day, once in the morning, once in the evening. This takes an hour to do, because I have to be quick in the army. Army minimum is 30 situps in 2 minutes, 15 pushups in 4 minutes, run 2 miles in 17 and a half minutes. :) The fact is aside from running, I am in better shape than expected for me... :)

Cap't and I talked again. He had to go to bed early and he told me he didn't think he was able and as soon as I said that it was ok, that I'd just miss him til tomorrow, he retracted and said he could call but it had to be quick. God, he's amazing. He's got a PT test tomorrow morning at 0500, so I will find out how well he did after I talk to my recruiter. He told me a funny story about how a spider charged him and he ran away because it was huge. It made me laugh so hard, he always does that. Tells me one funny thing that happened to him during the day to send me in a fit of giggles, so bad that I feel like a schoolgirl. He says he loves my laugh, so he has to be sure to hear it once a day at least. :) sweet, isn't he? Purposely makes me laugh to improve my day and says it's because he's selfish.

I have my alarm set for 6am with "Not Afraid" by Eminem to wake me. "I'm not afraid to take a stand, Everybody, come take my hand, we'll walk this world together through the storm." Perfect to get me pumped to talk to my recruiter. :) I can't wait. I'm so excited. :)

I'm ready to be a Soldier. I feel good about that. :)

Leah

Isn't that badass? Fuck you all, isn't that badass?!?

This makes me proud to know men like this one talking.

I dare you to tell me that being a soldier/marine/airman/sailor isn't a real job.

You should be down on your knees everyday thanking God that men like these

held jobs that demanded everything they have to give...

AMEN FOR ALL SERVICE MEN AND WOMEN...

HOOAH!

Bungover

Waiting for Trueblood to finish loading, I figured I'd write a quick entry about my day.

It has been the worst day... I drank wine last night, 2 bottles, and woke up this morning with a slight hangover (nothing in comparison to my last one, which happened in December 08)... Michias was ever-so loving to me all day long, not leaving my side for a moment, which I might complain about, if it wasn't so damn adorable and if he didn't offer me so much unconditional love. I talked to Cap't first thing, before he went to church. He wanted to see how I was doing and make sure I wasn't too upset before he went to church and when he got off the phone, he said he'd "ask the Man Upstairs to look out for me and send a little prayer" out to my father. He's so sweet. After that, I talked to my mom, where I was just downright upset and crying about my Dad. She heard from my brother who told her to tell me to "suck it up and be strong" as he always does, unless he can make someone else cry in return for my tears, which in this situation is impossible. Then I recieved a call from Hans Solo, as I've coined him, who is in Iraq, who wanted to see how I was and made me laugh for a half hour or so... it was very sweet. Then after Cap't got back from Church he gave me another call, where I proceeded to tell him so many stories about my dad and he proceeded to make me laugh with silly jokes and such.

After that, I realized I needed grease, so I ordered pizza and ate an entire one, felt better and took a nap, while of course the kids were as well. When I woke up, I called Cap't and we talked some more, which was nice... I can't help but think that he is this really amazing guy and I can't wait to see him! Only a month or so til he's here...

After I got off the phone with him, one of my best friends called me and he irritated me on the phone to the point of where I was bitchy to him, but as usual he put up with it and tried to make me laugh, but he wasn't as entertaining as normal (or I was too hungover to find him such a way). But we talked for a while and I finally got off the phone with him, telling him to get some rest because I wanted to watch Trueblood.

And now, I'm waiting for it to load (it's almost done), talking to my friend Kelso and Hans on Msn, thinking about all the things I have to do tomorrow. And I'm glad Father's day is coming to an end... because the pain of losing my dad is still here, although it is slightly overshadowed by the feeling like crap for drinking 2 bottles of wine... yea, I really need to build up my alcohol tolerance and learn how to combat these... definately.

Anyways, I'm off to watch my show and hopefully feel better tomorrow.

Leah

PS. I miss you Daddy

Happy Father's Day Daddy....

Needless to say, I hate today. I'm crying, I haven't been able to stop since I woke up. It's like all this missing him has just killed my heart. I miss my Daddy so much. It's the first Father's Day without him and my heart is aching to such an incredible amount. I wish with all my heart he was here to hold me, to tell me he loves me, to tell me everything's going to be ok... My eyes are bloodshot, my face is wet, Chias has his head on my lap, his confusion clear but his loyalty and love absolute as well. He looks at me with his one eye as if to tell me, he's not going anywhere. I keep leaning into him, my tears soaking into his soft, warm fur and I know that without him, I'd be absolutely lost without him, absolutely alone. Because even though I have my beautiful babies, he's my only comfort, he loves me and right now, I need that more than anything because I can't do anything else but fall into him.

I have my Daddy's cross, his dogtags, his teddy-bear, I'm staring at the only picture I have of us. wishing with all my heart I could call him to hear his voice... My pain is still so impossibly strong....

:)

Rock music: check
Cleaning: check
Great weather: check
Kelsy coming over: check
Talked to Marm: check
Reconnect with old friends: check

So far, a great day!

The sky is blue and righteous

The sky is blue and righteous in all directions. The breeze is blowing and the weather is finally warm enough to feel comfortable. I'm wearing a white tshirt, shorts and my black cowboy boots, with my cross around my neck and a smile on my face. I am in a really good mood...


I had a great day. I managed to sleep in for the second time in a row. :) Talked to my Captain all day via yahoo im which I have set to text me instead :) And then of all things, his letter finally arrived. It was awesome to recieve (as it also came at the same time as one of my checks, talk about great timing). The weather is amazing, I got things organized in my house, I feel really good about life.

Today I went to Walmart and got a bunch of groceries, it's true I still have to go to extra foods tomorrow but it's hard to go back and forth from store to store, and walmart is in the same location as my bank, so we just went there. I bought some hair dye because it's the last time I'll really be able to dye it an outlandish colour before I enlist. Then I'm stuck with my natural dark brown lockes for the next four years or so.

Captain's letter was amazing, he talked about the people he works with and about his visit in July and that he thinks I'm smart and beautiful and doing the right thing for my "little family for all the right reasons." It made me smile so much that I read it six times already and I know I'm bound to read it much more than that. It's currently my bookmark in "I love you, Ronnie" which seems fitting since he's the one who told me to get the book. :) He's just so sweet and actually wrote "wink wink" haha. It was so cute. I can't wait for his visit, I'm practically dripping with impatience.

I also spent way less than I expected when I went to the store, even though I bought my prepaid phone card and a calling card so I can call people that I love. I've been talking to an old friend that's known me since I was eleven. It's crazy to know that someone has known me so long. That's almost 12 years! The only person who has known me longer is my brother, for obvious reasons.

I love today. For some reason, everything just feels good. I'm so looking forward to the future. I think God is teaming up with my Daddy and Grandpa to help me out in this big bad world. Even the father of my kids and I aren't arguing at all anymore! I guess, everyone just blames my ex and hey, I'll take it because the truth is, I do too. He totally left me high and dry in this department with a dog and fears. I had to scrounge and find the best way of doing something all on my own and now that I have a plan and hope, plus a job hookup between my enlistment and basic (thank God so many people love me in Jersey still), I honestly think things are getting better. I swear, I just hope it continues this way. Let's hope my ex doesn't try to screw me over about anything else for the time being. End of August, I'm gone, away from him and his life. Off to my second chance, to my kids second chance, to a bigger, better future. No more high school dropouts for me, no more guys that think they are God just because they got lucky in life. No, I want a guy who has worked hard for his life, like Captain.

Oh Captain, my Captain <3 I really like this guy... Fingers crossed it all works out.

Love always,
Leah

I'll give my all...

Today, after I finally sat down, I heard a song that just hit me so hard in the heart that it felt as though I'd been punched. It's about a Soldier's daughter... It hit me so hard that I just started crying when I heard it. It is so touching and so true. I loved my Daddy for who he was to me, to my mom, to the country I love. "Please don't worry, Daddy, you know I'll be ok, but it's my time to serve. It's now my time to say I will fight for you, for the red, white and blue. I won't be afraid, whatever comes my way! When duty calls for me, I will answer to the call. I will stand. I will fight. I'll give my all..."





They called my Dad to fight a war when I was only three... He came back to our small town and he wrote to me. He knew the odds and the price that he might pay, but that's the cost of freedom. He proudly stood to say "I will fight for you, for the red white and blue, I won't be afraid whatever comes my way! When duty calls for me, I will answer to the call, I will stand, I will fight, I'll give my all..."


His strong arms around me, he walks me to the door, I see the fear in his eyes I've never seen before, please don't worry Daddy, you know i'll be ok, but it's my time to serve, It's now my time to say: "I will fight for you, for the red white and blue, I won't be afraid, whatever comes my way! When duty calls for me, I will answer to the call, I will stand, I'll fight, I'll give my all."
And if the time should come for our sons and daughters to fight, they'll stand proud and say with all their might: "We will fight for you, for the red, white and blue, we won't be afraid, whatever comes our way! When duty calls for us, we will answer to the call, we will stand, we will fight, we'll give our all."

"We will fight for you, for the red, white and blue, we won't be afraid, whatever comes our way! When duty calls for us, we will answer to the call, we will stand, we will fight, we'll give our all."

We will fight for the red white and blue. We won't be afraid, whatever comes our way. When duty calls for us, we will answer to the call. WE WILL STAND, WE WILL FIGHT, WE'LL GIVE OUR ALL.

Clean livin'

So for the past two days, I've been organizing and cleaning up a storm... I have gotten all the crayon off the walls and did all the laundry to be done in the house. My room is reorganized after the garage sale failure and it feels good to have everything perfect in my room. Today I'm focusing on the kitchen and reorganizing that and tomorrow I'll do the kids room. It feels really good to have done what I've done so far and right now, although I'm in some pain because of my fucked up shoulder (still have to say thanks to my ex for that one), I still feel accomplished. I moved heavy furniture around and all that... :)

I also decided that screw my ex. I'm staying until the end of August because I don't have enough time to organize everything I need to get done within a month and a half, not if I intend on enjoying Captain's visit... it's just too much. And I know that my ex won't be happy with that, but oh, well. I need the time and since it's just even more money to try to travel to Manitoba and from Manitoba to Ottawa, it doesn't make sense. That and my mother is going to help pay for Chias's vet bills because my ex has decided that he doesn't want (or maybe he really can't) to keep Chias, I have to have his shit together a month before we go. Which means, I need at least July to organize his as well as the paperwork. Then August I will focus on getting rid of furntiture and shipping stuff down to my mother's.

It seems that things are coming together, slowly, maybe, but I'm doing everything I can as well as focusing on my kids... It's too hard to give them the time they deserve if I'm trying so hard to get things wrapped up before August, besides I really don't want to go to manitoba. I really don't like it there... And, let's be honest, my ex knows that he and I, him more so than I, are not popular in that town, so why the hell would I want to go there. Anyways, I'm going to get other stuff done. Coffee is brewing and the smell is divine. My shoulder and neck hurt alot and maybe a combination of coffee and advil will help that ease up.

Oh, yes, and Kelso is coming over on Saturday to have a TrueBlood Marathon with me and that will be fun because I have wanted some company for a while and definately need it. :)

Forgotten Soldier's Project

Click this link to buy THE FORGOTTEN SOLDIER'S PROJECT TRIBUTE ALBUM

This goes to help ALOT OF VETERANS. Do your part to support the Men and Women who have fought for you, so you could sleep under a blanket of freedom that they provide!!!!!!!!!

World keeps turnin!

Woke up this morning to realizing I left all my windows open and freezing, which caused me to get sick over night. Michias and I were cuddled close together so I didn't notice how cold it was til I got out of bed. The landlord called this morning to complain about something (yet again) that doesn't matter and I wanted to punch him in the face for waking me up. For once, the kids were still asleep and yet, the landlord has to wake me. The bastard. I really hate him. He never pulled this shit when my ex lived here. He seems to think that I have to bow down to his way, HA! Never gonna happen.

Yesterday, the kids and I went downtown and although our mission failed, we did manage to have a good time watching the Italy-Paraguay game, where my American radar must have gone off because I sat there for an hour talking to a guy from Alaska. We laughed about how ironic it was that in Canada, we would find eachother watching a game in the same place and time. I told him how I rarely ever go downtown and he told me that he only came in for the UFC match. It was fun, I wish I could remember his name, but alas, I forgot, not that it matters. It was still awesome to talk to another American face-to-face again. We exchanged our stories and theories on Canada and Canadians. At the end of the game, (which was a draw) we said our good-byes, I wished him luck with his flight back and he wished me luck in the Army.

When I finally got home, after pushing the double-stroller all day, it finally hit me how tired I was. I took off my shoes and looked around myself and decided that the mess could wait til today. Already I have managed to clean the majority and have a little left to do but I'm pleased with myself. I may be sick but I have gotten alot done. (Except the bleach smell from removing crayon from my wall has made me sick to my stomach several times.)

I talked to my Captain last night for only a little while. We were both exhausted by our days and exchanged stories, laughed a bit at each other's, then wished eachother sweet dreams. I didn't fall asleep like I'd planned and instead watched Desperado and Hide, two movies I bought months ago from the cheap-bin and never opened. It was time for something I hadn't seen in a while and something new. He and I both excited about his visit. I have every intention of baking him a cake when he comes to celebrate his birthday early. His birthday is mere days after he arrives in Afghanistan :( Not cool, but I can make sure he gets a little happiness to remember on his birthday. I also am making a CD for him full of our favorite songs (which, low and behold, almost every one of mine are one of his.) I can't wait til he's here. Only a few days but we'll be together and that is all that matters to me.

I am getting a carepackage from Iraq any day now as well as one from Belgian and possibly one from Germany. I love having so many friends all over the world. I wind up with the coolest things and it makes me happy to know that people 6000 miles away think about me enough to send me love... <3

Well, i am going to go, I just desperately needed a break and since it's only noon, the ability to call him is nonexistant. He's preparing for deployment and my minutes don't free up until six... just six more hours til I hear his voice....

Bitterkeit

Ich wünsche mit meinem ganzen Herzen, dass er hier neben mir war und ich mich über meine Zukunft nicht sorgen musste.Leben war viel einfacher, als ich jemanden hatte, um mich auf, jemand zu verlassen, um meine Last zu erleichtern. Aber er ließ mich allein und drehte seinen Rücken, nicht nur auf mir aber auf meinen Kindern und unserem Hund. Er brach jede Versprechung, die er jemals, und dafür machte, was ich mich ... eine Frau frage, die eitel und mit dem Abscheu voll ist, wie sie, ein widerliches Wesen sein sollte. Ich respektiere sie nicht. Ich denke, dass sie egoistisch ist, um Kindern zu erlauben, sich verlasst von ihm wegen ihrer Gierigkeit zu fühlen. Ich schreibe auf Deutsch, weil ich weiß, dass sie nicht verstehen kann, aber wenn sie sich wirklich dafür entscheidet, es zu übersetzen, hoffe ich, dass sie böse wird und zu einer Ratte, dafür aufgelegt ist das ist das, was ich glaube, dass sie ist. Nein, ich mag meine Ratten. Sie ist schlechter, sie ist Scheiße. Ich hoffe, dass er ihr Herz bricht, ich hoffe, dass er sie verlässt, um wie ein Verfallen-Leichnam, die Art zu faulen, wie sie ihn gezwungen hat, mein Kindergefühl und seinen eigenen Hund zu machen. Ich hoffe, dass sie den Schmerz fühlt, dass sie meine Kinder für die Ruhe ihres Lebens verursachte. Das würde Gerechtigkeit sein. Und ich hoffe, dass sie nie ihren Sohn zurückbekommt, weil sie nicht verdient, diese Heiterkeit zu haben. Das Weibchen verdient nichts lieber als die schlechteste Behandlung möglich und eines Tages als die Räder der Karma-Drehung, sie wird es auch fühlen. Bezüglich seiner hoffe ich, dass er das Sehen von ihr dafür abwickelt, was sie aufrichtig ist: erbärmlich und sinnlos und eine Verschwendung des Fleisches. Und wenn sie sich jemals um Kinder bemühen, hoffe ich, dass sie herausfinden, dass ihre Gebärmutter nicht tragen kann und sein Sperma nicht schwimmen kann. Wie kann ich zwei Menschen respektieren, die zeigen so viel Verachtung gegenüber mir und meinig? Wie kann ich sogar auf ihr Glück hoffen, wenn sie solche Lügner sind?  Er ist ein Verlierer, und sie ist eine Kuh. Vielleicht kann der beste Strafe-Gott ihnen gewähren soll sie ewig mit einander leiden lassen. Ich entschuldige mich für meine groben Wörter, wenn sie irgendjemanden aber jene zwei verletzen. jedoch kann ich mich nicht schuldig für sie fühlen, weil ich glaube, dass ich um die Gerechtigkeit, nichts mehr bitte.

What a wonderful day

Trueblood season 3 started tonight. I'm waiting for it to load online so I can watch it. I am pretty happy today, for the simple fact that I got to talk to my guy... He and I were joking how in six months or so, he'll be "captain, my captain" and I can't wait... we talked about everything from our favorite sports teams (he doesn't understand my love for the Aggies) to the economy (we both predict a 70s type depression by next year when Obama's economy takes over) and our mutual hate for phone companies. I love how we can talk about everything under the sun and it doesn't get old. We talked about his visit again and I told him I'm going to make him try poutine (he's never had it) and how excited I am to show off this city and make some new memories. He told me he's going to buy me a new wine goblet for the one I shattered the other day (not really a big deal but it was sweet nonetheless). I have already done 4 feet of his scarf but I still have another 3 or 4 left to go, so he can be warm while he's in Afghanistan. I just wish there was more I could do besides make him a carepackage and write letters while he's there. I am going to miss him so much more after he leaves here and goes there than I already do.

Talked to my mother, who may have broken her arm, the poor woman. She's going through alot and the family isn't supporting her any more than they support me and I basically told her that if they have anything more to say about me to tell them to talk to me because I'm sick of their bullshit. They have always had it easy and always had eachother. I never had anyone but me to rely on besides friends or boyfriends and those days are over. My guy is going to war and short of really caring about him, I don't rely on him for anything besides a smile and a kind voice and of course, his visit. I told her about the album that I sent a dedication to The Forgotten Soldier's Project which I was pleased to get a responce telling me how great it sounded and how pleased they are to include it. I, of course, was grateful to be able to dedicate something to not only my father but also any soldier who has sacrificed his/her desires for duty and even paid the ultimate price for the freedom I hold so dear to my heart. I ordered a copy for myself and my mother as a gift for her helping me through all this. I am also searching through my letters to find one that my texan ex wrote me to be included in a book about Letters to Home (letters about just in case they don't come home, of which, I have recieved a few) on special request from the author of the book. I told my mother to look for some of hers and send me a few copies so I can send them in. I am so proud to be military, through and through.

Anyways, I went out after naptime to the store to get some bleach and cleaning supplies because yet again the kids found crayons (I swear I THREW THEM ALL AWAY) and decided it would be fun to color on the walls, so along with bleach I bought a few scrubbers and a few magic eracers, I'm hoping the combination will work. I was told what amazing eyes I have by this old chinese woman and I was stunned and completely forgot I had my contacts in until she called them Peacock (?) eyes. Haha, I do have to say that I love these contacts, they are really suiting to me. I also plan on heading downtown tomorrow to do some important errand I've been putting off, but if the weather is as amazing as it has been the past two days, I don't see why not, especially since I will have the money on my bankcard to buy us lunch and will hopefully get more money based on my errands. :) Also I have a woman stopping by to buy some books from me sometime tomorrow evening. :)

Things are looking up...

afghan scarves

Sitting here, I knit a scarf for an Afghan winter, watching Henry betray Anne and wishing with all my heart I wasn't sitting here alone, that instead, he was here with me, the tall and brilliant man that serves in the best Army in the world, an officer and a gentleman. He is brilliant, an engineer with a Masters, and he likes that I have as he calls it "a thing for geeks like me."  And although I know that soon enough, within a months time, most likely, he will be... Distance means nothing to me, although, I would much rather he would be here with me. I was able to talk to him this morning, but only for a few short minutes, before our days really began and since then there were a few texts, including one that told me "I'm sorry I can't call you, Babe, I'll call you in the a.m. Sweet dreams, hopefully of me..." I love his texts... always supportive, always sweet, and our phonecalls are that much better. I wish he were here though... I wish he could hold me so the loneliness didn't get to me. Although whenever I feel too lonely, he told me to pick a letter by Ronald Reagan and pretend it was him writing to me, instead of it being written to Nancy. I love this book, I love that he told me to find it, I love that he wants that love, and he told me he hopes that he finds it with me. Already we have exchanged letters... I am so happy when I hear from him and absolutely sad when I don't. He doesn't seem to mind that I talk about anything and everything and he always has something interesting to say. I missed talking to him before I went to bed but was so glad to recieve a text promising me a call tomorrow when I wake... I miss his voice, the way he says things, what he believes... Anyways, I'm going to finish knitting this scarf that will keep him warm through cold afghan winter nights... I just wish he didn't have to go, but I will be as supportive as any girl falling for a Man who serves as a hero...

somethings make me laugh

Today sucked. Apparently someone should have mentioned that garage sales on cariboo road don't work well, as my neighbor did after. Oh well, at least there are online websites dedicated to selling stuff...

Talked to my mother and she says she'll cover everything, from my own tickets to Chias's vet bills since my ex "can't." As I was talking to her, I told her all about the blog entry that his girlfriend wrote about me, which yes, I commented on, because let's face facts, I'm not mad, or even the slightest big jealous and I left my name because I'm not ashamed  and have no reason to be. Really it's become more of a perverse curiousity. Something I can't explain fully but it's there nonetheless. I am curious about her fixation on me, just as she is bewildered by my own curiousity towards the entries about me... It's not surprising that I would be, when entries begin with words about me. I did have to laugh that she keeps making them directed towards me. I don't have a logical explaination for her fixation, just my own. When I am curious about something, I can't stop until I fully understand or at least comprehend to the most part. When they said curiousity killed the cat, I most certainly would have used up all my nine lives, had I really been a cat, I don't care, nor does it bother me that much. She is the one who seems more intent on my interest. Anyways, moving on...

I have an amazing tan from being out in the sun all day and am purly exhausted. I heard tomorrow is going to be great weather too. Looks like summer has finally arrived. Maybe I'll try to make an attempt downtown with the kids, since I have stuff to do down there anyways. As for Michias, I am going to figure out a way to "pet taxi" him to a clinic to get all his stuff done (roughly $450 or so for everything he needs done, including the initial exam) which I hope works out. I talked to my neighbor who is a vet (well she's not working b/c of her son being in Kindergarten [sorry if that's incorrect, I can never remember how the english spell it]) and she recommended I look into that.

Like I mentioned earlier, I am purly exhausted and am ready for sleep. Hope my gentleman calls because I sure do miss his voice today... <3

Well I'm off to finish up some stuff then tuck my tired ass into bed...

Officer, nongentleman and a sale

My only real time to write anything is right now. I have been so completely overwhelmed, the truth is I don't know where to begin. Do I begin with my Officer or do I  begin with my ex and his ... whatever or do I begin with the Garage Sale... I don't know... It's all so much...

Ok, let's start with my favorite topic: My kids, currently you'd swear that there was something hilarious going on, when the reality is my kids are just laughing up a storm and making me laugh right along with them, it's hilarious to see them laugh and know that they are best friends, I am grateful for them having each other, I hope they are always best friends, just as they will always be the most pitted rivals... like my brother and I used to be, before the miles of distance made it become phonecalls as often as possible. I miss him dearly. But the kids have the biggest laughs and squeals (which btw when you have a concussion from reaching for something too high and it hitting you in the head, does tend to hurt), but I'd rather have them laugh then scream. :)

My hopeso Luv and I talked for an hour and a half after I hurt myself and he made me promise that if I didn't feel better today, I would go to the doctor. I feel fine, except for the minor headache that I can control with a little advil. So no worries there. I listened to him talk about his deployment and wished with all my heart he wasn't getting deployed so soon. I don't care that if the entire world went to war right now, I'd readily go instead of him, but I have no choice, I get a few days with him, then he's gone... off to war, off to a place where I won't wake up to "Hey Babe, it's morning and you are sleeping but I'm thinking of you." on my phone... such a sweet man, my man, I hope.

messaging my ex yesterday I was told that I couldn't sell some things but that others are fine to pay for the Vet bills. I have no idea what kind of idiot my ex thinks I am, but what he says I can't sell would cover the vet bills easily and what I can won't. I did point out that he also promised to pay for Chias's food (of which I've bought 2 bags since our breakup and he hasn't) and how he promised to babysit. When he doubted it, I mentioned the letter I have that he wrote me and he backtracked saying it might be possible but who the hell knows when. I made it clear, that if he wants me out of here in less than a month and a half instead of the two and a half that I had planned, without help, it won't be done. As it is, I'm not even sure Chias can travel on the train (70lbs limit on dogs with their carriers, plus an overnight stay in winnipeg) not counting my kids and all that. Geez... anyways, I still don't know if I'll go to manitoba for that month or not, we will see I suppose.

Garage sale is tomorrow and currently, you'd swear that I have had an H-bomb detonate in my house. Boxes everywhere, half full and some overloaded with books and clothes and other such nonesensities... But I would almost rather take a train to Ottawa than a plane, simply because I could keep my trunk and pack it. I think I shall keep my trunk anyways, then if I cant take it, I'll simply sell it later. I do love that thing.

Well, I need to go but I promise more later, when I have the time and inclination. Right now, there is coffee calling my name and a million and three chores to be done by tonight.

Love Leah

Chicago, Angels, Heros, Love

Ohmigosh, what a day... It started out horribly but ended quite well actually.

I started this morning off by having my friend bail on me for babysitting (again) and I was pissed b/c I have a few things to take care of downtown and need to get them done ASAP but I can't imagine taking my kids down to Vancouver by myself, one maybe, but not both. So I ended up doing my backup plan and went to get my passport photos taken (which I was planning on doing today anyways, but wanted to get other things done along with it.) So I gather up the kids, and my purse and all their junk and head to the busstop where they finally moved it back :) Yay for that. Anyways, I stop by the bookstore and pick up I love you Ronnie by Nancy Reagan, which is a compilation of letters written by Ronald Reagan to her during their 50+ years of marriage. It was suggested to me by my Hero, when we first started talking, and I finally remembered that it had probably come in. I was thrilled to get my copy and then headed up to the post office to get my passport photos taken and get an envelope. From there, things got worse.

Lily and Jax had decided that bugging eachother and screaming would be fun, while I sat in the chair getting the worst picture ever taken. I finally got them done and went to swipe my debit card (which had enough money to pay for the pictures 20x over) and it responded that my pin was invalid. My pin has been my pin for six years, and I knew it should have worked, meanwhile the kids were bugging eachother and the cashier is demanding payment but I had no cash available to me, other than my debit. I started having a mild panic attack, completely overwhelmed by the situation and my kids, when two angels disguised as old women came up and one took the liberty of calming both kids and the other came over and paid for my passport photos and gave me hugs, both told me they'd been in my shoes and knew that when it came down to it, a little help goes a long way. They were angels, I swear, because while I had tears streaming down my face, they told me that I was an angel. They asked me about the father of my kids, and I told them he lived far away, they asked me if I had a boyfriend and I shook my head 'no'. Because as of now, I don't. Leaving me, they gave me hugs again and told me that God would be there for me, and I touched the cross my Dad gave me. (One thing I will say about all this pain is that my faith in something better has been reaffirmed and since then, small miracles have begun to occur.)

After leaving there, I headed to the bank, where they apologized and said they didn't know what happened. Needless to say I pulled out some cash, just in case it happens again. I don't want to be in that position twise. After that, I headed home on the bus, where I had the coolest bus driver on the entire route, who I teasingly sang "Hey, Mr. Bus Driver, Sing me a song!" And, guess what, he did! He sang a chorus of the wheels on the bus and I laughed. Sometimes it's the small things. Anyways, I finally get home, feed the kids lunch and they took a nap. During their nap, I pulled out my new book and started to read.

This book is by far one of the best I have ever read, and since it's based on a real-life love, an epic love and suggested to me by the guy I am dying to see in July, it has been making me think. I read about half of it, before forcing myself to put it down, in order to get some things organized for the Garage sale on saturday. Then I made dinner and watched the Blackhawks take the cup away from the Flyers (YIPPEE!!!)... I talked to my best friend in the world during this and she listened to me scream and yell at my computer (I found a live stream at cbc.ca) and laughed and cheered when I was happy with the results. 4-3 Chicago... Suck on it, Flyers fans.

After that and during that, I knitted 2 feet of a scarf I'm including into the carepackage for my Hero, he is going to be deployed to the mountain region of Afghanistan, where it will get cold and he seems like the type of guy who will find my absolute cheesiness sweet. In fact, I hinted at it and he "awed" me. Haha... We ended up talking for over an hour and a half tonight, about everything. Zombies, sporking, politics, sports (His favorite teams are Chicago ones, so he was quite stoked about the win as I was), books, movies, dreams, July... He says he is just as nervous as me, but I doubt it. How could he be? He's everything and I'm not quite there yet. I'm definately working on it though, and can't wait to get the hell out of here, but I am glad to know that I will make some new memories with an incredible guy come July...

When we finally got off the phone, I was yawning but the need to write this down and tell about today was really important. I believe in God again, I believe that he answered my prayers and is doing so. I believe that love exists in the truest forms, because of this book, suggested by a man in the Army, for me to read, is the most proof postive that it exists. And to know that he believes in exactly that kind of love makes me even more hopeful for a future between us. Of course, he doesn't know this. I'm not brave enough to tell him, but I think he'll know, he'll see it and unlike my last relationship, I have no fear that he would let me wonder his feelings. Already he doesn't... We make no promises other than to talk and text and July and his carepackage, and I'm desperately waiting for his letter to arrive, to see what it says. I can't wait to read it and write him back.

Well, I'm off to bed to read more of this book and I'm putting in a romantic movie to dream about love and all that might (I pray) be in store for me, come July... God willing, it will...

With all the hope in the world,
Leah

PS. CONGRATS BLACKHAWKS!!!!

I love summer

Blue eyes <3

laying in the sun

Fun with my Farty

Love my dog...

Summer sun <3

A letter he will never see...

Dear Hero,
 you dont know how much I think about you. You don't even know how much it hurts to know you are so far away and that you won't be here for days and days and days. It hurts even more to know that I will say Good-bye to you and watch you fly away from me to go to War, knowing that there's this chance that it will be the only time I will ever see you. You don't know how much you cross my mind or how my heart feels calmer after talking to you, or how you make me dream again, like I haven't in too long. My dreams seems so small, compared to you and what you will face. A year apart, a year where we will write, email, facebook. A year that I will be in a million different places, all to be just one medic in an army of Thousands. One year until I can see you again. But the year doesn't start now, it starts later. It starts after I see you, it starts after you leave here. when you leave here and go back to your post, I know you will be ready to leave so you can come home, so you can be here. I think about that all the time... I think about how much I already miss you and how, I know, in my heart of hearts, that I will miss you then. I don't know what a year will bring, not now... But I do know that one thing will never change and it's the combat-boot impression you've already left inside me. And that no matter how much changes, in the next months, I know that never will. You are so smart, brave, kind, caring, compassionate, wholesome. You are in the Army, just as I will be, and I will miss you while you are gone. We will write to each other. It's the only promise we've made, because in this life, we both know that promises are too easily broken. Last night, you told me you wrote me a letter, said I don't get to know what is in it until it's here. Already I hate how slow the mail works. It will be a week, at least, until I can read your words, in your handwritting, and see what it is you will say. and it makes me impatient. In a month, you will be here and in a month, I will see you, but you will never read this letter. Because it's not where you know to find it. It won't come in the mail or an email, but is instead more for me, more for my heart, to confess all of these things. I know you can't promise me anything, you can't even promise to come home, let alone to me, and I can't promise you anything in return either, except this: I promise you that wherever you are in this world, you will always have one person, one girl or woman or whatever, who thinks about you and misses you, already and probably for the rest of my life. A year is a long time, alot can happen in twelve months. But I know, that whatever happens, whether some miracle allows us to have the rest of our lives with each other, or whether somehow we never see each other after those few days in July, I know I will always count you in my heart, that you will always be a hero to me. I miss you already... Come to me soon, before my  heart misses you too much for me to handle. And come home, my Hero, come home so I don't have to let you go... please, promise me this one thing, to be safe. And remember me, no matter what happens. remember the girl that made you laugh, who talked about the importance of ants with you, (yes, you won that arguement with the fact that anteaters would starve and they are funny to look at), who gave you the most honesty she's ever given anyone in the world. I told you my darkest secrets and you didn't judge me. Everything about you makes me miss you already... Please be here soon, I think my heart is breaking with this distance... And then when you leave me, promise me just one more thing, to be safe, to never let me miss you in a way that can never stop... Please promise me that and I will be ok, no matter what happens between you and I. Promise me that and everything will be ok...
A piece of my heart is already yours...
Leah

My son's bday

Today my son turned two. Two years ago at 545am, he entered the world with me screaming and cursing up a storm at 7lbs 12oz and 20 1/2inches long. It amazes me that he is already 3ft1inch and 54lbs. My little boy is not little, rather big already.

It was a good day. Interrupted by their great-great aunt and uncle stopping into see them and to buy a painting (which they overpaid me for, those sweet people). We had a good talk, and I was grateful for my first hug in a long time, several actually. Hugging Anita felt like someone cared and I know she does. She told me how strong I am, how she approved of what I am doing, all things considered, how she knew that I was a survivor and was doing a good job with my kids. She told me that she would try to visit one more time before we leave here. I was glad to see her and her husband, who are doubly related to my kids (that's snowlake for you, everyone is inter-related, thank goodness no one there shares my blood haha).

Also, for a mini-celebration, I took the kids to walmart, where we bought Jax his birthday present, a leapfrog toy (yes, I am very into the educational toys) and some bubbles, as well as a cheap movie (Daddy Day Camp) to watch together. We had McDonald's for dinner because it was available and pretty cheap, as well as the fact we never eat fastfood. As an extra special treat, we all got milkshakes! It was nice to see the kids think of it as an extraspecial treat. I was glad to give them that much.

In other news, I have been sorting through everything, emptying drawers of clothing that I won't be taking, my bookshelf of all my books, save a few that I could not bare to part with, nicknacks that I have, some that my ex bought me, things that I no longer have need for, nor want either, considering the falsehood in which they were given. I am glad to know that I have about 1/8th of the money saved up that I need, much thanks to selling what I have been able to as well as have been given some help from other sources. The angels in my life that know I need my second chance, to build my own life, without any man to help. I am grateful to them. Anyways, my room seems like a bomb went off and I seriously cannot wait to get all of this sold and widdle down my belongings to just a few. I have a few boxes packed that I need to send to my mothers, which will cost a heavy fee, but such is life. I am also worried about Chias's vet bills, considering not only has my ex not bought any of the dogfood that he promised he would, but he seems not to really care about the fact that I am now burdened with providing him his shots and a new home for him, at least temporarily.  I found the letter he wrote me the day we broke up and exchanged each of our own.

Farty would be much better off with your hugs then mine for awhile, as long as you live in Vancouver he is yours. I will buy his food and come by to walk him as much as I can, babysitting would be as often as I can. I will help as much as I can... because that's who I am, I do give a shit...

Ever word written there is a lie other than the fact that my-Chia is better off with me, because I would never just allow him to be so forgotten. And after yesterday, I am certain I don't want my ex to see him anymore, for the pure fact that it causes my boy such grief when he leaves. As well as my kids, it seems as though he lied throughout the majority of our relationship and well... why would should I be shocked that he would lie after...

It doesn't matter though, because I do get my Farty, my Frankinstein, my boy. I am glad for that, because he will be with me up until my enlistment and he will have a friend in Misha, my mother's dog, as well as plenty of room to run and be free. I am grateful for that. Only a year and then he and my babies will be back in my arms, and I will never let them forget how much they mean to me.

I should go, because the kids seem to want to play some more, although their eyes are red and they are tired. In a little while they will be in bed and I will finish sorting my things out.

Love Leah...