Happy

Listening to tons of music today, thinking about the future and what everything I am doing is going to mean. I can't wait to leave here... so much has begun to occur to me about how full of crap my life used to be and how it's starting to mean something real, be better and make me happier, how it's finally becoming something real. I'm happy for the first time in a long time all on my own. I don't need a man around to tell me I'm good enough, I have that covered. I don't need someone to make me feel like shit about myself when I'm just not feeling up to par. It's great to have the freedom to know that all my emotions are just that MINE and not influenced by someone else. I love that I can still have that and have a man "in" my life without having to have his influence over everything. I'm still my own person, I'm happy that way.

I talk to Captain so much that he always makes me feel better but NEVER makes me feel sad about anything, not once. It's a good feeling knowing that even when I'm kind of crazy and a little reckless, he can crack a joke and put a spin on it that makes it better. How did I waste so much time with someone who made me feel like absolute shit? What was wrong with me to put myself through that? Oh well, it's over now and I don't regret that he's gone. Not for a single moment these days, if anything, I just am more grateful for dating someone so completely wrong and waking up to realize that. I was an idiot and a fool for thinking his selfishness was something I could fill.

Captain made me laugh because they had Chaplain sessions for a pre-deployment thing, where he had a lesson in "why women put so much more into a relationship than men." I asked him if he learned anything and he said "no, I drew pictures of war on my pad of paper." I laughed and he thought he was very amusing. I don't think he needs lessons in love, not when this is the man that showed me the most epic and real love story I've ever known. Only 22 days until he's here I am so excited.

I've been writing in my journal alot more, releasing whatever thoughts and worries I have there, thinking about my future, both solitarily and with Captain's deployment and all the other details in the world. Sometimes I get scared but as I have been worse off than I am now, I'm grateful for the strength I carry within my heart. I don't need to quiet the fear, just face it. That's what real courage is: facing a fear and overcoming it. But only if it's worth it. If your fear is logical and realistic, accept it, but if you know that if you will be happier after you conqueor it, go with it. Take that strength you've been building up your entire life and put it all into overcoming the biggest obstacle, which is usually your greatest fear.

Anyways, today was a day full of laundry and cleaning of the kids room. And let me tell you, cleaning their room consists of picking up so many toys, vaccumming, just to have all the toys back all over the floor ten minutes later. It's insanity. Complete and total insanity. But alas, that's what kids do. While I cleaned their room, the kids made a mess of the bathroom. Lucky, lucky me. haha.

As for my Farty, he and I played outside for a while today. It was awesome because yet again someone was shocked at him jumping at me, full on growl and me dodging his open mouth. When I laid down on the wet grass, he came over and licked me half to death. I just love him so much. Nothing can change that.

Anyways, I'm out. I'm hungry (again) and should probably eat because this whole trying to gain five pounds thing is driving me nuts. I'm not gaining anything!!!!

Love Leah