drowning

I'm drowning in my mind
And all because I can't deny this
No matter how hard I try
I'm so helplessly hopelessly crazy about him

He won't say it
I can't speak it
All the words I wish to hear
Get lost in Translation

I'm drowning in my fears
All compounding so terrifying
This isn't what I expected
This is something else, something different
A whole new breed

He's got me all confused inside
He fills my every mood
He's got me all charmed and enchanted
I think I'm in love

I'm drowning from all the tears
That I refuse to cry
From the broken heart
I'm sure to get, if I don't get my way

I'm so torn up inside
I swore I'd never let my heart go again
But what a rogue, he's a master thief
He stole my heart with me distracted
Now it's gone, held captive in his hold

I'm drowning in my dreams
I am selfish I am greedy
I want it all, I want everything and more
It's not wrong, It's not right
But I knew that all along

And he's so real, he's so true
He's taken all I have and still comes back for more
How can I stop the fall
When he's clouding up all I see?
I am fine, I'm in love
And it's tearing me apart

I swear I won't let this go
This is thrilling, wonderfully insane
A roller coaster I won't get off
I hope I'm not alone
He stole my heart, he stole my heart
Now I can't bare to be apart

I'm drowning in my hope
I pray for my redemption
So much color, joy and splendor
I can't deny, it's so obvious to me
So head over heals, scream it from the rooftops

I'm drowning in my love for him
And he won't say it
I can't speak it
It's lost in translation
As I drown in my mind

this might kill me

I see hope dangling so dazzling
Reflecting Light and Sound
Twisting in the wind, dancing on the breeze
The shine of it has stolen my gaze
Completely captivated in what I see
The truth is hiding in your eyes
You are clouding up my mind
There is something I see in you
So mesmerizing, so terrifying, hypnotizing
Just boiling in my blood
I think this might kill me
But I don't know if you can see
I'm screaming "I love you" Silently
Why can't you hear?
My thoughts are mine, locked inside
My voice is lost, my mind wanders
Fairy tale dreams of happily-ever-after
Fill my soul with gold and glimmer
The sun has never shown so bright
This love is so blinding, so radiating
I'm afraid that this might kill me
But I can't stop my heart from beating for you
On every star in heaven, I pray, I wish,
I need this to be true.

lovely wish

These words come from deep within me,
Confessing my heart's most sacred truth
Inside I feel the ocean, so deep and mysterious
With undercurrents of emotions never truly revealed
Ever since you entered my world,
I feel my heart speed up endlessly
This is such a terrifying dream, a beautiful adventure
A lovely wish whispered into my ear with a sigh
I must confess, this I did not expect.
I couldn't have believed, only in my dreams
Just you and me together, holding your hand
Feels like the world is empty, we're the last one's left
All is quiet and abandoned, but for us right here
I can hear a pin drop and the beating of our hearts
Each breath we take makes thunderous sounds
You are here with me and I think it's good
I want to say something, but you're my only fear
Cross my heart and hope to die, I swear it's not a lie.
I don't need a hero, I'm not looking to be saved.
This is just my silent plee, my demanding secret hunger
Tell me the words I'm starved to hear
the ones that speak of your truest desire
Let your words be the music and dance with me
Just hold me, move me, spin me, free me
Confess your heart of hearts and share your dreams
This sun is so blinding, eternally shining
And here we stand, side by side,
As I patiently wait for
A lovely wish whispered into my ear with a sigh.

journey

Long moments of uninterrupted silence allow my mind time to wander
Shadowy, dim-lit halls winding in and out, up and down, all around, circles, squares
Cluttered boxes filled with long lost memories sitting upon a shelf like faded photographs
A quick glance perks a sudden recollection setting my mind ablaze
I sigh and moan, my breathing quickens as I remember those days
Lonely hopelessness fills my heart, my old familiar friend
Tears burn beneathe my eyes as I recall how they never knew me at all
Shake it off and brush the dust from my knees, I continue on
Wander more, explore the maze, time has just stood still
Regret pokes at my soul as I see the empty spaces
Places filled with cob-webbed scars instead of friendly faces
A quick jolt and I am removed, out the way I came
Recovering, I close my eyes and catch my breath, aware of where I am
Look around me, my life has changed, my luck has turned
I've become someone better, transformation nearly complete
Resolve has filled me with the courage I never knew I had
Hope and light flood my body, mind and soul, removing needless pain and sorrow
An old whispered voice reminds me to rid myself of all my paranoia
Focus, it whispers, and remember this truth: Success is the purest form of revenge.

fallen bird

Fallen like a wounded bird
Straight down from the sky
With a broken wing no one sees
Grounded by unseen forces

Shame filled tears cleanse the dirt covered face
as my secret pains stare back at me
shedding light on dark pasages of my mind
a place no one dares to wander

Regretful pain builds my core
Like energy, it keeps me thriving
Like heroine, it keeps me dying
I can't give it up, it's my only thing

Knocked down and beaten back
seen as guilty so they punish the victim
What is the cost to be free?
Blood and tears or more of my soul?
My fire burns despite the pain.

Complicated planning clouds better judgement
Details too small to ever see the castle through the stone
Standing here lost in a flower
the beautiful petals of fantastic dreams
A lovely illusion it would seem
A glorious adventure new to me

I fall asleep, anxious of my nightly travels
Sobs of worry have taken away my strength
and sent me on the bitter-sweet ride
of a clouded subconsious in a turbulent sky

Fallen like a wounded bird
Straight down from the sky
With a broken wing no one sees
Grounded by forces unseen

I woke up with such a fright
My heart beats with a frenzy of soldiers preparing for battle
I gasp, my lungs thirsty for air, burning from fear
All the dreams are broken, all the dreams are dead

I look to the heavens, I look to the skys
Is anyone out there? will anybody listen?
Grant me strength and give me a sign
I need some help to carry me through

Like a miracle, Fate has spun her web
and captured me a gift, a modern-day knight, it seems
I feel renewed, like sunlight hope spreads it's warmth on me
My heart is calmed by its presence
A fresh dream formed by faith and love.

No longer am I a fallen bird
I am again soaring the skieds
My wounds are healing as you can see
Like a flower, all I needed was love.

dark goodbyes

Slit my wrists to fall asleep
Count these sheep with each heart beat
One jump, two, three jump, four
I'm so dizzy I'm on the floor
The angels don't come, there is no light
I'm dying here this very night
Darkness and fear, cold and regret
I'll write this so you won't forget
Once there lived a girl so lost
The price she paid, so high a cost
No one to love, no one who cared
Falling asleep her soul was bared
Her body, blood and pale, still pretty
Her soul gone on to the fiery city

confessions of the heart

Aching to express my tortured heart
Read the story on my skin
See the longing desperation in my eyes
An indication of the shape I'm in
There is something eating me alive
Inside I hear the voices taunting me
I can't escape these bitter thoughts
I have no illusions any more
Maybe love is meant to break hearts
Or maybe its just unobtainable to me
There's nothing more I can do
I am helpless and I'm fading
drained but yearning for more
I'd sell my soul just to hear you say
Love's name in vain
over and over and ever again
I'd never waste another day
searching to find the reason
You are my biggest weakness
I don't know why I need you
you complicate every inch of me
Pick your poison because you know
I would drink it all willingly
Just to feel the warmth of your love
If that's a lost and hopeless cause
Leave me here with my bleeding heart
every day I'll fight not to miss you
And every night I'll lose
And when this emptiness finally kills me
bury me in an unmarked grave
deep within your heart.

confessions

Illumination of my soul, inspired by a lovely friend not forgotten at all...
I feel myself relax and my eyes close, the dreams of yesterdays dance before my eyes
his face, his smile, his laugh, his eyes, always full of joy, always quick to smile
a second glance at a fading photograph fills my heart with vivid feeling
Inside my soul, there's a secret he never knew,
a confession my painted heart refused to share
but what would have happened if I'd been discovered
would it have been sophisticated and sweet or beautiful and tragic
I'm convinced it would have been worth it all
His soul is still so pure, so beautiful, a warm white spot in a cold black storm
I contemplate my life, my past and my present,with visions of a senescent mind
He couldn't understand the yearning I felt back then
Just to have his smile, his eyes, his face, full of joy just for me
He couldn't understand the way he mesmerizes me with everything he says
The trouble with love is it's elusive nature, it's there buried deep within
The flight of the gifted, the blessing of the true
What if one moment changes everything? What if I had only tried?
I think of how he's become so enlightened and I reflect
On a time that never passed, a memory that was never formed
Another life, another time, a euphoric daydream of mine...

lonely soul

Late at night, in the cold dark silence that surrounds me
I find myself, from time to time, pondering my life and everything in it
Sometimes I wonder if I know where I am
Did I trade part of myself for something better that I can't find
Maybe I lost some meaning, some reason, something I needed to be me
Can I change my destiny if I don't know what it is?
A part of me is lost, I think maybe I gave up too much
everything to everyone, perhaps all I had to give
I question myself and wonder if I'm just a lonely soul
all the while a broken doll, a confusion of shame and pride
I wonder where the love is, it felt so strong, so real, so true
I need a guardian of the night to save me from this maelstorm of dark thoughts
Mistakes became regrets, bloody scars litter my soul
I think of those closest to me, the conversions left unsaid, too hard to say
Betrayed by words I never heard, so I go without and hold my smile
Younger now than I was before, a creature with no control
Will all this garbled pain and history be the cause of my undoing
still, I find, I can't let go of everything I hold, despite how empty and cold
A void that could be filled without so much longing and indifference
Close my eyes, embrase the darkness, tomorrow I will wake
Another day to change my fate, another chance to see it coming
I will never say never, when I don't know when
I'll do my best with my best look and pray that I will make it
That somewhere down the road, I'll find that part I am missing
A lost and lonely soul, I'll be no more, when I find what I have needed

dear, dear diary

dear, dear diary,my darkened book of blackened scars, the confessor of my sins
inside something has possesed me, there's something burning beneathe my skin
In a blind moment of deep clarity, on this cold, autumn midnight,
the ink from my pen flows like an open vein from scars that never heal
the spirals and swirls, the loops and lines, a nearly unbroken journey with myself
stars twinkle in the sky, the same stars I've always known but in places new to me
the cobwebbed patterns of a twisted past repeated, the lifeline holding me together
the winding path of my heart, the fragile stepping stones of my thoughts,
my mind's a mile high in a tattooed dream, exploring a connection in between
a ghost from my past reminds me of who i was before the wreckage of this life
before the story unfolded and all control was lost, a black and white memory
old forgotten photographs gather dust, bleached by the sun, faded by the days
a glimpse of a lost youth and innocence, a recollection of the time before
so much has transformed yet something feels the same, something hasn't changed
staring at the heavens with its legendary heros and kings,
like a child pleading for his mother, my voice calls out to Him,
the warrior of legend, Orion, the heroic lead in my youthful fantasies
instead a face appears in my murky present, an inspired gothic daydream
out of the foggy mirage, a black-cloaked being steps into the pale starlight
Too darkly handsome to deny, a perfect arcane beauty, mysterious and wicked
He's awakened something within me, a notion that led to this introspection
He's a danger that haunts me with the painted mask of a perfect angel
A strong pull on a fragile thread of the bond between us
His eyes, his face, his voice, an dangerously angelic combination
I pray for salvation, a chance for redemption, a sign of something real,
anxious to achieve some meaning, some purpose yet hidden to me
the dark diamond blanket above me offers little comfort or security
the crisp air nips at my exposed skin, my funeral gown offers little warmth
A divine messenger, the reason I needed to believe, to hope again
the past, the future, now, this is some connection, a definate reaction
a thousand miles from where I started, a million miles to my dreams
a light at the end of the tunnel, the meaning of my life, the answer, found
the bells ring, someone has died, somehow I feel more alive
A haunting dream of an archangel, a soldier for the truest love,
I reach out in the dark for understanding, reason for these symptoms
dear, dear diary, companion to my dreams, this window to my heart
with these words, my strength renewed and hope rekindled, I know our bond survives
brief is the life that we live, the time we're allowed to stay,
Undoubtedly I yearn, I hope, I pray for the captivating archaic angel
to return to me, if only in a dream, love and romance me
Close my eyes and feel his wings wrap over me, angel of strength
I shut my precious book, put down my pen, fall asleep to pretend.

Queen of Hate

A troubled thought enters my mind as the waves of silence wash over me
A brief reminder of the bitterness between us,
The True bond, never fully formed, wasn't merely broken, but beaten into submission
Your lies flow so smoothly accross your poisonous tongue
but your voice betrays every word you say, the venom soaking through
The influence you shed is so toxic, and your hate is so cruel
Your cold indifference displays the extremes of your selfish nature
No more excuses, no more pretending, the symptoms are just too clear
You are a disease, spreading misery to everyone around you
For my own protection, the sacredness of my soul,
I cut the ties that bind us and shield my love from you.
You are the Queen of Hate, but you seem to forget my own claim,
Born of your Hate with the will to love, the Queen of Hearts you made me.
The King of Spades, a glorious mix of Strength and Courage, fuels my purpose
The end of your plague has come and I'll be well on my way.
Goodbye to you, Queen of Hate, mother to my very name...
Remember this sacred truth, when you think of me,
the fault of this does not lay with me, my soul is clear of the blackened taste
There is only one you can blame when your own child kills you from their lives,
I did no wrong, my heart and my head are clear, you are the Cause, the fatal flaw
With this final thought, there is a peace to this silence that surrounds me,
A freedom from the burden I carried for far too long and for far too far.
My Destiny is now mine, glimmering with new hope, with the dazzling shine of Love,
Faith fuels me, confidence builds me and patience carries me through...
Goodbye to you, oh the toxic memories, goodbye to you, burned and buried.