So...

So I saw my ex and his girlfriend today. He came by to pick up the rest of his stuff and I released Chias to let him see his Dad. It was nice to see Chias get so excited and it's depressing to watch him be sad again. He'd just started to get over it. The kids gave him a huge hug and it was then that I almost cried, but I kept it together. Until he left. Then I sat there, crying for Michias, crying for the kids, crying because she's beautiful and he seems happy... I still really don't feel that much better, but he texted me and I felt better. I'm waiting for him to call me later, when he gets home from Houston, from watching the Astros beat his beloved Cubs.

Jax turns two tomorrow and again, I feel so sad for him. There's only me to celebrate with, he won't even notice, but he will have a cake, however it will turn out. And he will have his sister, his best friend... and me and Chias. I guess it's all I can offer him right now. Jax and Lily are so close and I'm so grateful they have each other. I envy them, because I miss my own brother like crazy... How I wish he could be here to offer me a hug... How I wish he could give me that brotherly love, that half torment, half loving type love...

Waiting for him to call is the worst. I always wish time would hurry up and that it would slow down once he does... I wish he'd call me now, I'm tired of waiting. I want to hear the slight accent that he swears isn't there, just as I swear there is none in mine (we disagree with each other here, obviously). I want to hear him tell me about the game, even though I hardly like baseball, it's just that anything he talks about sounds good. I can't help but like him for who he is. He's just someone real and someone good. He believes in me, which is new... he listens to my fear without getting annoyed or critisizing me about it... I wish we weren't so far away from each other... I wish he wasn't being deployed in August... His birthday is the week he gets deployed so I'm building a carepackage for him, so far I have a few cute books in there, and I keep adding to it all the time. I may have to make it two, instead of one, but ... I don't mind. Like I said, for him, I think anything could happen.