Insomniac Nights

I couldn't sleep, so I put together this collage. My kids, my dog, me. my favorite pictures throught the years.

something for me to look at when I'm away at basic. Their beautiful faces... I love them so much.

This insomnia is getting to me, some nights I just sit awake for hours, thinking to myself. Sleep passes me over and I just sit pondering to myself about this life. The past and the present and the future.

The past was definately not something that I want to repeat. Especially not the last five years, since meeting the two Canadian guys I've been with... The father of my kids isn't a bad guy, he's just virtually useless to me and to my kids. He's only kind to me when it comes to proving that he's a better ex than my current ex, who has proven time and time again, his word means nothing.

The present isn't half bad. It's pretty good sometimes. Yes, sure, I want to go insane because I'm alone with no help at all and have all these worries and fears. But in reality, my life is better than it used to be. I finally have confidence again, the confidence that was stolen away from me. I finally have hope and purpose and a plan. MY own plan. I'm not being forced to follow along with someone else's plan. It feels so damn wonderful to know that it's MY life. I love that not only do I have all that, but I also have this really amazing guy who WANTS to be with me so much that he's willing to visit me during his pre-deployment leave to spend the last week he has off with me before he goes to Afghanistan. Not only that but he is everything I have ever wanted. He's smart, funny, kind, compassionate, caring, real, wears a uniform, is one of the best officers I've ever known, if not the best, and to top it all off, he wants me. What could be any better than that? I'm trying to guard my heart a little bit better but realistically speaking, he's all I want. 21 days left.

The future is pretty intimidating. Here's this life that I am leaving behind, this one where I am completely alone and miserable sometimes, but soon enough, I won't be. Soon enough this girl is going home. Soon enough I'm enlisting in the Army, where I will get my own uniform (yay), where I will gain all the necessary skills that I want to have, where I will have a better future and a better life, without any man to rely on. Plus I can't wait to be a medic. I can't wait to go home, to see my friends, to go to the Jersey Shore and see the Atlantic Ocean, something I have missed for six long, long, long years. It's time. And I'm slowly but surely making my way. I can't wait to go home.

The best part of all of this is that I now KNOW for absolute fact that it was never me at all. That I wanted to be happy but I had someone that made me feel like shit, and before that, another someone that made me feel like shit. The last decent boyfriend I had wore a uniform too. Seems like it's no surprise that I would find what I've been searching for all along, back where I come from. Back in the world I knew.

Well anyways, I'm going to attempt for at least a couple hours. Good Night...

Love, Leah