Hope and Fear

So I'm waiting for a call from Iraq to send out a carepackage. It's been about 4 hours since I heard from him when he said he'd call in 20 minutes. He's a cav scout and I'm nervous. I am hopeful of course, because it is midnight over there and maybe he had to go on guard or something happened that's explainable, like a powerfailure or a briefing or something that doesn't mean danger. I am hopeful. Of course, on the flipside, in order to have hope you have to have a fear. In omnia paratus: In all things prepare. So I'm sit, pacing, everytime my phone goes off, I check. No, just a text, No, just a call I won't answer. No just something that isn't nearly as important as this. I worry, I hope, I pray to God to watch over him and send him strength and to offer him compassion and kindness. I hold strength and I hold my knowledge of the War, all the fears and the results of it I have seen, I try to find humor in everything. I sit and I pray and I wait. Nothing besides that I can do from where I am other than hope, with all my heart, I hear from him soon.

I have alot of confusion going on inside my head. It's hard to say that anything truly makes sense when the only thing I know for certain is that I am leaving Canada. I have to, otherwise I fear I will be condemned to the gates of Hell for the rest of my life if I stay. I need a better life, one that isn't offered to me here. I need freedom from this hypocritical place that boasts of it's freedom and informed people, when really, the freedoms are just a different sort and the "informed" are just ignorant in their own way, clinging to their beliefs like an extreme christian or muslim or whatever extremes there are. They try to brainwash you into thinking that America is the home of the wrong and the real act of terror is the way America is. In reality, the world pushed and continues to push America into being who we have been. They say that the real way to find out how great a country is: watch how many people are trying to get in as compared to how many are trying to escape. Guarenteed America is among the greatest when that estimation is made.

Anyways, that was merely something to distract myself from my real worries. July 4th is always the day of more violence, mortars, bombings, combat in Iraq and Afghanistan. Any American Holiday is. Our enemies like to use our days of peace or celebration against us. They want to punish us for what we are doing, but what they don't see is how foolish it all is. If there could be a compromise, if the west would admit it's been imposing on the east and the east would admit that their ways are just a little screwed up, then maybe we could find peace. But that will not happen. Not any time soon, because people are stubborn in their convictions and compromising means being wrong.

Admit it, in a personal arguement, you'd rather fight til the last stand than ever admit you might be wrong, even a little. I am a natural peacemaker, I strive for compromise, and when that fails, well, I fight with all I have to get my way because if my enemy won't bend a little, I'll make him/her break. The same goes for war. The cost of arrogance is blood, the price is a cost that we all pay at one point or another. The question to ask yourself is: do you believe that your convictions are worth your blood? In my mind, mine absolutely are. I would lay down my life for what I believe and a coward, though may fight and stand up for a while, will back down and run. I will only run if my convictions begin to change, but they have remained strong through it all. And so, they shall.

Somethings can never be broken from a man or woman who was raised with military values. The love of her Country and her Soldiers, is just a mere example of that strength of spirit. I will not back down, but most importantly, because I have certain people on my side, I know that when my strength begins to weaken, I have others to turn to, I have my brothers and sisters. Including the one I am worried for now. I hope for him, I send prayers to him. God, grant me the courage to not fear.

Love Leah