a letter to my Daddy

Dear Dad,


I keep thinking about you. Wondering what you would tell me about this point in my life, the circumstances going on. I wonder what you would say about the man who broke my heart... about the girl who has replaced me in his life... about my future. I wonder what you would say about things with my mother, things with the kids, things with my mental health. I think about how you would tell me that men are pigs, that you loved me, that you would always love me. I think about how much I miss you some nights. Sometimes, I cry so much about you I think I might die from the pain.

I know you are in a better place, I know how and why you died. I know there was nothing anyone could have done and I know you had no suffering, but Daddy, I’m suffering. I have a broken heart and no Daddy. I talked to Jeff, he reminded me of some things that I forgot, I’m sorry to say.

Like do you remember the first time you met him, at the train station? You guys had beer and I had coffee. Or that time you came to the apartment and saw the video camera? Or opened the drawer full of toys? Or when you and Jeff almost killed each other to help save me from an asthma attack? I miss you, I miss being safe. I miss being loved.

I asked Jeff if he ever really loved me and he said he did. And looking back, I believe that he and Chris may be the only two who truly ever did. So what is wrong with me? Did I ruin myself back then? Am I just too damaged, Daddy, I need answers and there is only silence. I listen to songs that remind me of you and when I think about you, my heart cracks. There’s so much I still need to tell you.

Remember when you thought the cold broke the basement window? No that was me, I locked myself out and had to break in. I never told you that. I never told you that you were the only reason I called all the time. I never told you so many things, so many little things. I was only 21, I thought I had years left with you. You never met Lily or Jax and that eats away at me. They’ll never know you and that hurts.

Daddy, do you remember when you read me Brer Rabbit and his tales, how you made the voices change? Do you remember the stuffed duck you took with you wherever you went? Do you remember the cross you brought me back from Rome? Do you remember the time we went to Landstuhl or Hidleberg? Daddy, there’s so many memories but you are gone.... and there can be no more.

I know you are with me wherever I go, and I am so eternally grateful for that, but I miss you. I miss your food, your hugs, your advice, your jokes, your laugh.... God, why did he have to take you? You were my Daddy, my sole loving parent... and now I feel so orphaned. I miss you...

Love you with all my heart,

You are in my memories always....