Memorial Day and missing my Daddy, my Hero

It's Memorial Day weekend. 7 months since my Dad's been gone, since he died in Service to the USAF. This weekend is meant to remember him... To remember what others like him have sacrificed for the security of all of us. whether we choose to accept it or not.

I keep crying. The truth is right now all I could use is a fucking hug. I could use my friend back, but I'm afraid to ask for his help, for anything, because I know his girlfriend would think I was trying something. but the truth is, he was there when I found out, and there's no one that could possibly know how badly it hurt me to lose him, how I instantly felt the most terrible pain of my life in that moment. And even though it's been months, maybe it's just the day...or rather what this weekend means. Memorial Day... To remember those that died during their service... But really, it just feels like the world is haunting me, like the pain is so deep within, sometimes, like right now, when I can't do anything but cry. I make it a little while forgetting what is going on with a TrueBlood Marathon (thanks for it btw) and I just keep feeling like my heart is torn, that my insides are spilling out, that my blood is on fire and my face is soaked in tears. I miss my Daddy... God I miss him.

He wasn't blood, but that never mattered. More people said I looked like him rather than my mother. And he taught me so many amazing things. Love, honesty, hope, compassion, humor, integrity, honour, respect, openmindedness, acceptance for what I don't understand. It's all part of it. It's all part of me. He raised me, considering what a damaged little girl I was when he came into my life, very well. He gave me these amazing gifts that I can't see or hold but I feel them, deep inside, alongside the pain and the gaping hole that his voice and face and hugs used to fill. The truth is... I miss him so badly I want to scream, sometimes it hurts so bad there aren't even words, just these painful spasms where I cluch my chest and the tears start over with an ached scream...

How I could I lose my Daddy? He was invincible... he was the only parent who truly just loved me. He wanted me happy but losing him, it's the worst. I can get over everything else. I don't care anymore about my ex. Really, all I think when I think about him is how he abandoned his word with little care... and he's not even my friend, and most certainly not someone I can ask anything from, even if a hug is all I need. I feel so sad... I miss my Daddy... and the tears keep falling...